Pushing soft limits in a BDSM style relationship can be fun for both the dom and sub involved, but they’re called limits for a reason. When I relinquish power and hand the reigns to my dom, I trust that he’s familiar with when to push, and when to stop. This isn’t always the case if we’re trying something new, and the words “no” and “stop” are used as the dom’s fuel to keep going. This is where ‘safe words’ come in. If I find that I’m in ‘bad’ pain or if I’m generally uncomfortable, I have two safe words I can call out that mean different things. The dom’s goal is to push limits without having their sub call out the safe word(s) but that line can be crossed easily depending on everyone’s mental state as well as other factors.
Let’s move on to something else
“Yellow.” I muffle into the pillow. My arms are cuffed behind my back and my shoulder injury is acting up. Knowing full well how bad my shoulders can be, my partner quickly frees my hands and we move onto a different position.
The word yellow is my ‘warning’ safe word. What’s happening at that exact moment is making me uncomfortable either physically or mentally and, while I’d like to continue having sex, I want to stop doing that specific thing. Yellow allows me to call this out without taking away from the moment or breaking the scene.
My ‘stop everything’ safeword is Sunstone, taken from our mutually loved graphic novel by Stjepan Šejić. This safe word is rarely used, but there if I need it. This is called out when I no longer want to continue due to physical pain, mental tribulation or of I just really don’t want to keep going.
So why are safewords important?
There was one instance when we were having sex that I had a flashback to a not-so fantastic experience that I had in the past. I should have used Sunstone then, but I didn’t. I let it go on much longer than I should have, and I brushed it off like it was nothing. I was in ‘sub space’ and my mind was set on making my dom happy. We had a long talk afterwards because, as much as I trust my dom to not break boundaries, he needs to be able to trust me to use my safeword if I need to stop.
Maintaining the mutual trust will keep the experience enjoyable for everyone. If I don’t call out my safewords when needed, my dom will constantly question if he’s going too far or if I’m actually getting off on what he’s doing.
If safe words are called out at all, we take the time to discuss them further during the ‘debriefing’ period. We’re able to talk about things and decide whether situations were avoidable or what we could do differently the next time around.
Even outside of the bedroom?
Yes, even outside of the bedroom. While our power exchange relationship isn’t 24/7, he will use his dom voice and demand tasks be done. These tasks can range from adult responsibility that I’m procrastinating on, to him telling me to stop biting my nails, to putting a plate of cake on the floor for me to get down on my hands and knees and eat. Some days, I’m really not in the mental state to handle this OR I strictly need love and affection. My safe words are in place for those specific instances and helps keep our relationship enjoyable and respectful.
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