Does identifying as a submissive mean that I’m dependent on my partner?

The traits and personas of my power exchange relationship don’t remain solely in the bedroom for my partner and I. He will give me commands in our day to day life (generally when no one else can hear because people might get the wrong idea) that I can choose to follow or, get ‘punished’ for later.

This raises the question: does being a submissive mean I’m dependent on my dominant partner?

In short: no.

While we don’t fully restrict our dom/sub relationship to bedroom play, we are both incredibly independent people. We have our own sets of friends, our own video games, tv shows and, as I’ve mentioned before, our own bedrooms. He doesn’t support me financially, I don’t need him to take care of me, I don’t need him in order to handle my day to day responsibilities. He helps me, yes, but I am fully capable of being my own person. To summarize, he has no real control over anything I do. I am my own autonomous person.

In fact we are continuously pushing each other to exercise our independence. It happens every so often that one of us will get stuck in a routine rut and either get slightly snappier, depressed, or in my case, have a breakdown on New Years Eve because the wait for a drink took over half an hour. We have gotten better at acknowledging when we’re starting to feel that way. Though, sometimes, we have to nudge each other to make plans outside of one another.

Winter is a difficult time for that. It’s far easier to snuggle up beside each other on the couch and play Overwatch, than it is to sacrifice warmth, time and money by making plans to go out. It’s not that we don’t enjoy our time together, we do. We both need that time apart, not only to appreciate our time together more, but also to maintain our relationships outside of each other.

I’ve been down the road of codependency already. I’ve seen what being dependent on someone can do to my own mental health and the mental health to those around me.

So no, being a sub doesn’t mean I’m dependent. In fact, I feel as though it reinforces my independence.


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You can also Ask Me a Question. This helps me with topics to write about. Polyamory, relationships, attachment parenting, feminism, communication and mental health are just some of the topics I read a lot about and have formed quite a few opinions on.

Thanks for reading!

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